Fear driven
“This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you. For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:6-7 NLT
I struggled to post about the topic of fear, because I don't feel like I have figured it all out. I have struggled through the years with being fearful about things. Fearful about bad things potentially happening, like car accidents or medical problems. Fearful about not able to accomplish things or meet others expectations. I noticed recently just how much I struggle from time to time with this spirit of fear. Fear in some ways keeps me from doing. But in other ways it drives me towards accomplishing more and doing more.
Recently, my husband and I were discussing his mismanagement of his diabetes. But we weren’t having this conversation well. After several unsuccessful attempts to have an open dialogue about his medical management, we found ourselves again on the couch talking it out. My husband opened up that he is positive feedback driven. He does better with someone cheering him on to better and greater things. It clicked in my head at that moment and I shared with him my epiphany. I am fear driven. I am afraid of all the things that could go wrong, so I do everything in my power to do it right. I try as hard as I can to make sure everything works together because in the back of my mind is the deep-seated fear that plays out all the potential problems as if they are absolutes. I had a hard time giving my husband the cheering he needed because I was too consumed with the wild thoughts and terror that ran through my mind. I was already on the protection plan and potential damage control of issues that hadn’t even aroused yet.
I realized that a lot of my life is consumed with striving out of fear. When I was a child, schooling didn't come easy for me. It was a constant struggle to achieve and the striving to do well was catapulted with the idea of flunking the class or looking bad in front of my peers. Now that my kids are in school, the fears centered around education continue. I don't have kids who naturally get straight A's. They have to work hard to succeed. And that sends my fear even more into a constant battle all school year.
I want to replace the fear in my heart with something else.
I don't feel like I have figured it out. I cannot give you the 3 points to getting rid of unreasonable fear and living a courageous life. In fact, I have probably read that book. But there is a difference between knowing the scripture and the nice words of many Christian authors and actually living outside the fear that you know so well. I want to replace the fear in my heart with something else. I searched for a couple days on options. I could stuff the fear down and replace my drive for accomplishments to make God happy. Just do all what He wants me to do and there will be no worry or fear, right? But I feel like I am missing major theology. God doesn’t need my constant striving to do everything “right”. I am still living in fear trying to strive to make my Heavenly Father happy with me. As if I could do anything to make Him happier with me then He already is.
I know that the fear that drives me isn’t meant for me.
I go to scripture and the comfort it brings. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).” I know that the fear that drives me isn’t meant for me. It isn’t something that God has for me. God has something so much better. He wants me to live a life full of power, love and self-discipline.
There are somethings I do out of joy. I have things that push me forward because I love them. That is what God wants for me. “Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear (I John 4:18). So I cling to the love of God. Not because He needs my strive for success in Him, but in Him I can be embraced by His love. Also, He wants me to live a life full of power. “For the Kingdom of God is not just a lot of talk; it is living by God’s power” (I Corinthians 4:20). There is something about fear that leaves you weak and powerless. But to not depend on my muster of strength but the power of an Almighty Father. Half the fear issue is a mind battle. A battle of my thoughts that wonder to worse case scenarios. But having self-discipline, having a sound mind instead. A proper portray of what is in front of me instead of the terror stories I play in my head. Again I open up to God’s thoughts. “Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8). My Pastor’s wife encouraged me once to praise God in the moment of fear. In the moment of Praise to a Heavenly Father your minds worry don’t stand a chance.
POWER, LOVE, AND SELF-DISCIPLINE
I haven’t figured it all out. I am not immune to the worries that try to consume me. But I stand with scripture. I stand with a Heavenly Father who can handle my insecurities. I stand with my Almighty Father who can stand against my fear and bring me reassurance. Who can embrace me in love. Who can provide me with power to overcome. To build my self-discipline.
